Having constructive confrontations: A Simple Guide for Couples

The goal:

To understand each other better, reduce misunderstandings, and focus on the impact of issues—especially when emotions run high.

Step 1: The Triggered Partner Takes the Lead to Start a Curious Conversation

• When one partner feels triggered or upset, they take the lead in initiating a clarifying conversation or asking for a time to talk.

• If it’s hard to start this in the heat of the moment, you can bookmark the issue—agree to return to it later when you’re both calmer and able to be curious.

• The partner who is triggered approaches the other with curiosity, seeking to understand and explore blind spots on both sides.

• The other partner supports this effort by recognizing the curiosity and patience in their approach and responding with openness, such as:

  “I see you’re trying to understand, and I might have missed something too. Let’s work together to fill in the gaps.”

• Together, you explore what each of you may have overlooked—whether practical details or emotional needs—and take responsibility for your own blind spots.

Step 2: Understand the Impact of Those Gaps Together

• Talk about how these blind spots or missing pieces have affected the situation, feelings, or family dynamics.

• Consider practical impacts (e.g., kids’ needs, household tasks) and emotional impacts (e.g., feeling ignored or stressed).

• This helps build empathy and shared understanding.

Step 3: Share Your Emotional Experience Clearly

• After clarifying what was missed or misunderstood, express your feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I felt hurt when…”).

• Explain why these gaps affected you emotionally.

• This invites your partner to understand your inner experience without blame.

Step 4: Focus on Solutions and Family Wellbeing

• Once emotions and triggers are acknowledged, shift to collaborating on solutions and general principles for future situations.

• Aim for consensus on how to make decisions that consider the whole family’s wellbeing.

• Save deeper emotional conversations for separate times if needed to keep problem-solving calm and productive.

Final Tip:

Supporting each other’s curiosity in difficult moments builds trust and understanding. Remember, you’re both learning and growing—taking responsibility for your own blind spots while being open to your partner’s.